I am Linda, an alcoholic. I didn't set out in life to be alcoholic. Somehow, that just wasn't a goal. Further, I am a grateful alcoholic. That wasn't a goal, either. Hopefully, the reason for that will become clear as I tell my story. My story is mine, and I am telling it here because what I have learned about the solution is that I must pass it on, in order to keep my sobriety and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous working in my life.

I come from a large family - the oldest of six. We were raised by the principles that we work hard, pay our bills and never ask anybody for anything - ever!!!! And my family was relatively successful at living life that way. We are all capable people, my siblings and I, and we can all go out there in the world and earn our way. I am grateful for that.

A drink, a beer or a cocktail was something to do on special occasions; weddings, funerals, graduations or the like......but not something included in daily, weekly, or even monthly activities. I think there was a bottle of brandy, whiskey or something kept in the back of a bottom cupboard somewhere, for medicinal purposes. . There was no alcohol used as a matter of course in our home. I am grateful for that.

And so, I had proper values and a "proper" upbringing. I do not believe I was "used" or "abused" in any way. I am a child of the fifties. We were raised to be good wives and mothers, and to think of ourselves as secondary to the "prime" wage-earner in our households.

I did get to college. I nearly completed my bachelor's degree - perhaps a year all told from completing my course work for that. And I accepted an offer of marriage from a man I fell head over heels in love with, and felt that I would rather be married than educated.

I celebrated my 21st Birthday with him. We went to a club in the "city", and since I was the only one "legal" my fiancé, my sister and her boyfriend ordered cokes and I ordered rum and coke. Then we played "round robin" and in 20 minutes, I had ordered four cocktails, and we each had a drink in front of us. I believe this was the beginning of the insanity of my alcoholism. This was also my first "drink". Before that night, except for a "hot toddy" a couple of times, medicinally, I had never had a drink of an alcoholic beverage. I am grateful for that.

By the time I made the decision to be married, I had gotten full-time work, an apartment of my own. a car and relegated going to college to a part-time basis. My upbringing caught up to me. I was to become a wife and mother.

He was military, and after a lovely family wedding and reception, we moved to Southern California for the last year of his tour of duty , and then to Florida, his family home. He wanted to go home, after his 4 year tour of duty. Our daughter was born there. Once there we discovered it was largely a retirement community and that it was difficult to make a living, and after 18 months, he accepted a position with a major company, and we came back to California.

I worked at "secondary jobs" (making supplementary income) kept house, worked at raising our daughter and tried to save for a home of our own and by the time our daughter was in school, we had purchased our home.

We were "upwardly mobile" (yuppie, I believe it is called) in with a nice little bunch of people, who gave parties in each others homes. They were BYOB (Bring Your Own Bottle) parties. The host/hostess at each party provided refreshments, and mixers, and if folks wanted something stronger, they brought it themselves. My drinking increased in frequency. We "partied" like that at first only once or twice a month, then with increasing frequency and greater consumption of alcohol. By the time we had been our home 5 years, my drinking had increased to a daily basis.

I could no longer conceive of life without drinking every day. I needed a drink to get over the hang-over from the night before, I needed to "relax" to go to sleep. I needed alcohol for any and all occasions.

My marriage was on the rocks. After nearly 12 years of marriage divorce was the answer. I hadn't a shred of self-esteem, self-confidence or self-respect left. I had custody of the daughter, and the house, and little else, and rushed towards the bottom like an elevator with a broken cable.

I went back to work full-time, and met another man who drank like I did. When the divorce was final from the first marriage, I married this man, and discovered what a huge mistake I had made. We spent the whole time drinking every day, blacking out and generally making his girls and my daughter miserable. He drank like I did. After 11 months I knew I'd made a terrible mistake and terminated the relationship in a messy divorce.

Then I was on my own, and could do exactly as I pleased. Meaning, of course, that I could drink exactly as much and as often as I wanted to drink. Because by that time I wanted to drink all the time.

I had to work to support my daughter and myself, and for the most part I managed to get myself to work each morning and back home each evening. But then .... well a lot of us know that story. I had four years as a divorced lady. Getting progressively deeper into the mire of my alcoholism. I started missing work, then losing the jobs, getting evicted from apartments, driving my car while drinking, then driving and not remembering it, even with children in the car. I received two drunk-driving citations during that last eleven months of my drinking, both times wrecking that car.

Each apartment I was evicted from was progressively smaller and shabbier. Life was on a long, downhill slide and I was mystified. I did not know how this had happened. I was also terrified. I couldn't drink, but I had to drink. I did not know that there was any choice. I craved alcohol, and would do almost anything to get it. I would quit drinking every morning, and by the time the effects of last nights' drunk had worn off, I had another reason to have "just one". And once I had just one, the craving was set up for more and I had to drink until I "passed out". Although, I was in such denial by that time, that I called it going to sleep.

My daughter's father, and my family threatened to see to it that I no longer had custody of my daughter if I did not do something about my drinking.

Then, a chain of "circumstances" brought the mother of a friend of my daughter into my life. This woman needed someone to share a 4-bedroom condominium with her and her two daughters, and I was being evicted from another shabby little one-bedroom apartment. This woman turned out to have been involved in Alanon for 14 years, and kept AA literature on the back of the commode in the downstairs bath. She also had two Big Books of Alcoholics Anonymous.

My drinking ended like this: I was invited by my roommate, to cook a birthday dinner for a mutual friend, I have been told that the dinner was delicious, and that I ate it, but even after all of this time, I have no recollection of that evening. When I came to, it was morning and I had done it again!!! Even though I had promised myself I would "never" do that again. Guilt and remorse set in again. I did not know how it had happened, but I knew that I had had enough; that it was time to do something about about my drinking.

I remember filling a pitcher with water, putting it in the refrigerator to get cold - it was very hot that day - I remember 110 degrees at one point. I called my work to tell them I had the "flu" for the last time. I waited until I knew my roommate was at her office, then called her and told her I wanted to "borrow" that book she'd told me about - the one about recovery from alcoholism. She told me where it was and that I could have it if I wanted it. I still had just enough denial about my problem that I remember saying "I don't want to keep it, I just want to READ it." It's funny, I still have that book today. It's still the copy of the Big Book that I use. I am grateful for that too.

I lay on that sofa, and read that Big Book from cover to cover. (I've always been a reader). And knew that this was the answer to my dilemma. That night, actually early the next morning (2 a.m.) I called Alcoholics Anonymous and spoke to a lady for an hour and a half. She assured me that this was indeed the answer and that I could have it too, if I wanted it. She asked me if I could not drink until Friday (it was early Wednesday morning) when she would be able to pick me up and take me to a meeting. I agreed, and on the Friday she picked me up and I went to my first meeting. By that time I had not had a drink for three days.

That first meeting was only the beginning. It began my incredible journey into sobriety. I went to that meeting and knew without doubt that I had come "home".

I don't remember a whole lot of what was said there, just that these folks were just like me. They, somehow, created a desire in me to have what they had. I didn't really know what that was, but I could see that the lights were on and there was someone home inside of each of them and THAT is what I wanted. They seemed happy and they said it was because of the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was very attractive to me. I am so grateful for that.

My first year of sobriety was an incredibly busy time. I filed a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy, had to go to court for my 2 DUI's and was "sentenced" to a year of a drunk driving program, and had to go once a week. Was going to 7 AA meetings a week (one every day because it was suggested to me that it would be the best way to GET the Program). I worked full time at a regular 40 hour a week job, and had to do volunteer work at the local detox as community hours in order to pay my fines for the 2 DUI's which I did from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. 3 nights a week for the year.

AND began counseling with a woman who turned out to have 11 years in Alcoholics Anonymous and became my first sponsor after I been doing all of the above for 3 months then Donna (she's gone now), started me taking the steps, in order - by my 9th month I had gotten through about half of my amends (by the way amends are NOT saying I'm sorry - they are going to the other person, letting them know we were wrong and finding out from them how to make it right, then doing THAT).  At that 9th month I began sponsoring a woman and am still sponsoring women today.  We take the steps according to the clear cut directions given in the Big Book.

I discovered in the process of going to meetings, taking the cotton out of my ears and putting it in my mouth and just listening at meetings, at the coffee shops for the meeting after the meetings to folks who had been here longer than I had, that there was a Program. That Program was the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that if I did those Steps and continued to do them, I would not only obtain sobriety, I would learn to maintain a comfortable sobriety. I wanted that. I don't recall that I had ever felt "comfortable" in my own skin in my entire life. It was wonderful to hear that that could happen.

There are so many things that have happened in my life since that day in 1976 when I came to the end of my rope. I could probably write the proverbial "dime" novel, and keep on and on at this narrative. It has been 31 years since then. A lot of water under the bridge, a lot of life lived sober and joyously. Obviously, it was NOT the end of the rope, but only the beginning.

By the time I had almost 5 years single and sober I had learned to live my own life for myself. My daughter grew up and went out on her own. That daughter made a decision that she'd rather not "risk" alcoholism and does not drink or use other mind altering chemicals. It is gratifying that this is so. I learned that I am employable, skilled and knowledgeable, and learned that I could indeed get and keep employment and stay employed at the same place for a long period of time.

I have made some incredibly close friends, and have learned that they are close friends whether they are around the corner from me, or on the other side of the world. They are still my close friends and will always be there for me, as I will for them. I know that I have worth, not only in others' eyes, but in my own. That I am unique and there is no other like me, never has been, never will be. That I am special and am here to fill a special place in the grand scheme of things.  Oh, yeah, I am comfortable in my own skin.

I have come to believe in a power greater than myself, whom I choose to call God, who does for me what I cannot do for myself. This Higher Power will not do what I can do, just what I cannot. I reached this precious state of affairs by having had a spiritual awakening AS THE RESULT of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics.

He has brought me through the only real desire that I have had to drink, at 10 years of sobriety over something about another person that was none of my business in the first place; has utterly lifted that desire and craving for alcohol; has carried me through the deaths of both of my parents, with whom I was reconciled in sobriety and with whom I developed loving relationships as the result of my sobriety; has given me peace of mind, joy and serenity; has given me the ability to accept life on life's terms and then to live it to the fullest. I am incredibly grateful for that.

I met a man in my 3rd year of sobriety, and learned about becoming friends with both men and women in sobriety through him. In my seventh year of sobriety, I married this man - both a gentleman and a gentle man - we married May 7, 1983, all of it sober-time for both of us. We are still married as of this posting.  There is a phrase in the Big Book, that talks about "Boy Meets Girl On AA Campus". I believe that is us. We met and married in sobriety, and found that sober marriages are the best kind. An incredible journey of growth and learning for, I believe, both of us. We have been each granted the ability to learn to live our own lives for ourselves, side-by-side, WITH each other as true partners. I am grateful for that as well.

He came with four almost-grown children of his own, so now after all of this time, we have 5 children, 11 grandchildren 4 great-grandchildren and an incredible ZOO at the Holidays. But a warm, loving uproar it is. There are 27 of us when we all get together. And this doesn't count my siblings (3 brothers and a sister, 11 nieces and nephews, and 4 great-nieces and nephews) or their families. We are a large, rather boisterous family, healed through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It is with joy and pleasure that I tell you all that  (June 22, 2007) I celebrated 31 years of sobriety. I came to this program sick and beaten by King Alcohol on June 22, 1976.. By the Grace of God I haven't had to have a drink or other substance since then. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel. Gratitude is the primary feeling. First and foremost, I cannot do this alone, so I thank you all who have been along for the ride. It's a joyous journey. One I wouldn't have missed for the world. I owe it all to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous as outlined and presented by the book Alcoholics Anonymous. To the love and fellowship I found when I reached the rooms of this program, and to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God. I found a power I could believe in here in AA. With that Higher Power I have recovered from that seemingly hopeless state of mind and body as it is promised in that big blue book.  Thanks so very much. If I continue to do today, what I have been doing all along, I won't have to drink tomorrow. And that sums it up quite nicely. 

There is a 10th step promise that is not talked of too often, by which I live.  It says:  "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition."  Pg. 84 & 85 "Alcoholics Anonymous".

The above promise has been true in my life since I completed my first time through the 12 steps in my first year of sobriety.
 

There will be more posted to this story as time permits. Stay tuned